who I am

This morning my friend Will posted his status as this:

…R. Foster: “…who we are – not who we want to be – is the only offering we have to give.” So thankful God wants us more than our effort.

As I sat there trotting through announcements, emails, status updates, etc. this gave me pause. I sat for a moment and pondered it. I am still pondering it. I keep stopping and re-reading it.

I have decided to use a little trick from my 11th grade AP English teacher, Pat Sperry, with a twist. I am going to somewhat free write my questions and thoughts. Please feel free to converse. How does Will’s statement strike you in your heart? Bear with the ramble as I am not going to proofread unless those little red squiggly lines show up.

Who am I and what does He want with me? What is my purpose and am I just grooving along to my own song not paying attention? Or am I so focused on this purpose that I am making it into something it is not? Can we get too caught up into becoming someone we are not and also not meant to be? If I am trying to become someone else (a better person) then is it good or bad? How do I know when it becomes a bad thing and no longer serves the purpose of improvement? What if I do not change and stay the whiney, broken, judgmental, thoughtless, drama queen that I am? Is that still good enough for Him? Well thank heavens it is- not that I want to admit it is ok- because then maybe I will give myself permission to quit trying and stagnate. Then again, there are so many times in my life I feel like I am already stagnant and do not know how to fix it. Does God use those stagnant times to create something beautiful too? I sure hope so. Last night Graham, our youngest twin, told me that he thought God created wheat on accident since it makes some of his friends very very sick if they eat it in anything. I told him God did not create ANYTHING on accident but then had no answer as to why He would make something that could make so many people sick. Here he is at 10 asking questions of faith that are timeless and I sit asking different ones that are no less timeless but still have no answer to either.
I want to be a peacemaker. I want to avoid chaos and drama and confrontation, yet my life teems with it. Am I adding to it by picking this recent vote to pieces and asking so many questions? Am I avoiding it by hiding in my house as a student, not singing in the choir under the excuse it is too late a start time? Are those real distractions that are valid or my subconscious attempt to subvert God’s will in my life?
Am I even helping those who come to me with questions or a needed conversation to bounce ideas around while they figure out faith and relationships and God?
Am I really meant to go into ministry? How can I ask that when I know I am- but know I am asking only because I am afraid that I will not be “enough” for it or Him.
And then along comes Will’s status. I cannot offer God what I will be when I am all educated up and ordained… that is an egg that is not hatched. Instead I can only offer him who I am today. All my faults, weaknesses, fears and doubts are a part of that person right here and now and no matter what I think I am or am not worthy of is pointless- because he can use me just like this. Thank heavens, as I sit here with unbrushed hair and coffee breath, that even if I do not meet what I think is the social standard, I am still meeting his by simply trying to come to Him… that He will more than meet me half way- He will pick me up and carry me.
I need to stop trying so hard to become that future pastor, to become that person who will counsel others and instead focus on just coming to Him- abiding in Him. If that means I need to step up now to do things then I need to get off my hidden introverted duff and do it. And if it means I need to stay home and focus on Him in some weird type of extended sabbatical then that is what I need to do as well.
Now… if only He would tell me which to do right now?


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