Well, here I go again. I am so tired! Tired of moving, tired of traveling, tired of changes that are constant and huge. I know we all deal with change- it is inevitable, but it is also exhausting and stressful when those changes are constant or huge
mmmmm* wait* have to tell you I just tried the new pralines and cream creamer and it is simply scrumptious!
ok- back to my spiel.
I know that I was born to be a nomad. God has a great plan for each of us and it occurs to me that often we chafe against said plan. Instead, we seek to be or know or become something we are not intended to be. It is in this fruitless search that we find true unhappiness. We keep seeking something we cannot nor should not have and we become so much further from Gods love that we cannot even see the light at times.
So how do we reach around and grab ourselves by the neck to straighten ourselves out? How do we wake up our conscience to the reality that we are unhappy seeking this pseudo-me? How do we take what we think makes us unhappy or that we believe has no purpose other than misery and understand that it truly is our destiny? How do you cherish that which drives you crazy with frustration?
I have no answer here. I bet you thought I did. I don’t. I simply know that although I am worn and the thought of a suitcase makes me want to puke, I know that God is growing me for a greater purpose. There is something only a traveler can understand or appreciate while in juxtaposition, there is something only a lifetime homebody can in the same way- yet completely different things. We are given these things for perspective. We are given these things that give us blisters so that we can grow a callous there and become stronger and more impervious through time and trial- in order to achieve something that sometimes we do not even see coming. MInd you, this is not a callous against God- he does not chafe us- rather he is the balm. He is there to rub our swollen, battered, bruised, blistered and calloused feet. This callous is against the hurt and hatred of mankind and the sin within each and every one of us. It separates us in time- giving us a special closeness with God- protected by that callous from the world. We still have to deal with it- but with a protective armor from him.
Maybe I am at the point in my life that I have lost my callous. Maybe I have cushioned myself from the callous in order not to form one… or maybe I am at the point of injury in the blistering that I MUST stop and rest, letting God do the rest. I do not know. I only know that I am tired, worn and begging for some time to just be home. To watch my children play and my hubby to sit beside me on the stoop with a beer while we watch the sun set over the corn and soy fields. I do not know that I will get that- but I do know that as long as I do not get those things (or at least very often) I will cherish them all the more- as I would a home that is MINE again and the chance to gather enough junk to actually have a yard sale again. I will drink in the precious moments of life and gather them closely to my heart. I will record them as best I can, to be able to come back to them in moments of despair and loss in order to find my compass again.
So here I go….. again…